i don't feel good

i miss everyone. it used to be that whenever i was feeling like an emotional wreck, i would call up my friends and they would make me feel better. that's out the window, though, because all my favorite people have moved away or we somehow drifted apart. i know i could always search them out and get a hold of them but that would take a long time and by then, i'd would have buried myself into an even deeper hole. i miss how it used to be. the people in my life now, they can't help like my old freinds; they're either too young to understand or don't understand at all. the rest will just give me a "yeah man that sucks," or a "i know man." shut the fuck up! you dont know where i'm coming from! get out of here.

on the outside, i would be making fun of kids who do nothing but talk about old times. i would be telling them to "grow the fuck up". i know i'm being a total hypocrite but it's true, i miss how it was two years ago. today i think i reached the numb feeling. not like the numb feeling that druggies get, i don't even know that feeling. i was sitting in a chair while my friend was on my computer and i couldn't think of anything anything that i wanted to do that would get make me happy; furthermore, i couldn't think of anything that would make me sad. Sound and Fury is this weekend but i don't even know if i'm going, so im not too stoked on it. if i don't end up going, what will i do with all of this money i've saved up? i could buy something for myself, but i don't know what that would be; i wouldn't really be happy, you know?

if you didn't know, im in a deep hole with school. i have really bad grades and i end up lying to my dad about it. he finds out and then i get bummed because im being a horrible person. i try, i honestly do. i've come to the conclusion that i have the worst luck ever. hell, i shouldn't blame it on luck, this is all on me...fuck!

things like this just totally justify the saying: your born alone. you'll die alone. im trying not to turn into the fucked up emotional wreck who'll be the next episode of Intervention (if you read this, please don't think i'm going to kill myself, haha. i know this is some depressing shit but this is just me whinnying). what can you do though? guess i do what i always do, tell myself "thats life" and trudge on with my head up.